I took a much-needed self-care “sick” day today. I’ve had low-grade anxiety for a week now, courtesy of a situation that, while it doesn’t involve me directly, has me feeling all kinds of ways. I got up today after yet another restless night’s sleep feeling on the verge of a panic attack, so… self-care day, it is.
- This past weekend, I flew to Rochester to spend a few days with my sweetheart while he’s on the road. When I got to the airport, I went to the ticketing desk to check my suitcase, and was in line behind a couple who were chatting with the ticketing/bag check agent. The agent was lively, engaging with both of them, laughing, etc., and a small part of me was happy about that because I always enjoy interacting with people who are obviously having a good time doing their job, or at least are friendly, because it makes the whole stressful travel thing a lot easier to navigate. But when I got up to the counter, it was like his face went dead, and he could barely be bothered to speak. It was noticeable, and it was weird, and a little disappointing because my first inclination was to wonder if I’d done or said something wrong. He was decidedly NOT friendly, but still efficient and effective at his job, and I was on my way. He wound up working the ticket desk for my flight and was, again, cold and borderline snarky.
So, a few things. One, I noticed my immediate shift to wondering if I’d done something wrong or if there were something wrong with ME, to cause this guy to go from super friendly gregarious desk agent, to stone-faced perfunctory person, in the span of 30 seconds. And THAT is something I need to work on fixing, but I guess it’s so deeply ingrained, to assume there’s something wrong with me first before looking externally… it’s going to take some time, and some intentional observation and processing.
Two, once I got out of my brain long enough to stop assuming it was my fault, I started questioning what it might have been instead. I mean, I guess he could have known those folks he was talking to, but I don’t think so. Which lead me to wonder… in the past, especially 5-10 years ago, I’d had years of being told I was attractive and that I was INTIMIDATING to men. I guess I was told that so I’d dumb it down enough to make men feel more comfortable being around a pretty woman. Being pretty AND smart is too scary? Anyway. I got used to being treated a certain way because of my looks.
So… was this guy being an asshole because he found me attractive and that put him on the defensive and he didn’t want to give even the slightest hint of his own feelings so he went straight into asshole mode? Or was it the opposite? Where I am no longer considered attractive, and so he decided upon first glance that I wasn’t worth him putting forth any effort in the personality department?
Or… did it have absolutely nothing to do with me? I mean, I guess that’s always an option. 🙂
- What do you do when someone you are close to is in complete, utter, damaging denial? I mean the type of denial that is affecting other people who may or may not be able to discern what’s real and what’s reasonable from what’s happening as a result of this person’s determined and willful ignorance? At what point do you stop trying to shed light or change minds, and instead step back and let the havoc be wrought? At what point do you concede defeat on trying to introduce facts into an emotionally-driven situation?
When people I care about are going through tough situations, I am immediately inspired to get invested, involved, and try to “fix” things and solve issues, because I don’t really know how to not do that. I don’t know how to sit back and observe and provide feedback without having some emotional involvement, taking it on as my responsibility as a person who cares to DO something about it. And when there is pain being caused by the problematic people/beliefs/etc., I don’t really know how to just sit still and let the experience belong to the other folks.
But then I think back on the last “relationship” I had before meeting my husband. The person who lied, manipulated, cheated, and was (is) just overall a horrible excuse for a human being, as confirmed by some of the other women he’d damaged along the way. I had something to learn there, and I certainly learned it, but I also had to be in my own little state of denial in order to stick around long enough to get the lesson. Some of my friends determinedly stood by me, while still being honest and forthcoming about their opinions about that dude, and I am eternally grateful for that. For their honesty, because that is brave to me and shows they aren’t the types to go along to get along, and also for their willingness to stand by me and give me room to screw up. Maybe because they had the faith that I would eventually figure it out, and maybe also because his behavior wasn’t affecting them directly, I don’t know.
Whatever the case, they were able to support me and be invested in me that way without trying to actively fix or change anything; instead, they let me be the one who did the work. As it should be. So I guess, ultimately, I need (and want) to learn how to show up, be honest, and be present, without feeling like I need to change or manage anything for other people. That’s hard. When people I love are in pain, I want to FIX it and STOP it, but unless I’m the one causing the harm, there’s nothing I can do to change it or stop it.
And that all comes back to the way I’ve learned to sit in my own discomfort, instead of trying to wish it away or drink it away or eat it away or just ignore it or shove it down. Feelings are fleeting, and they can’t kill you, but they can sure as hell distort your perception of reality and drive you to act out in response. Learning to sit with feelings, acknowledge them, honor where they’re coming from, and then let them pass… that’s key. And it doesn’t have to just be my own struggles; I can learn to sit with the pain of others and just be present with it without trying to change it so that I’LL feel better.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of “emotional eating” and how, for me, I think that’s an actual thing. But more than that, it’s a subconscious emotionally and chemically-driven behavior, so it’s not like in the midst of a come-apart, I go to the kitchen and start shoving food in my face. Instead, I think my brain is on autopilot where food and comfort are concerned, and I’m trying to figure out how to interrupt that when it happens – because it happens a lot, in all kinds of circumstances.
Just say no to drugs. (Nancy Reagan in the 1980’s; Trump, present day) This will stop any and all deaths or suffering from drugs, if people just… didn’t do them. I mean, if people didn’t do them, there wouldn’t be a market for them, so all the criminals would stop being bad people, too, right? Don’t take any prescriptions, whether they’re legitimate or not. Don’t drink any kind of alcohol, even though it’s legal, because it will lead to other bad things (like SEX). Don’t even think about smoking weed, even if you’re hoping to use it for chronic (heh) pain management. It’s just SO SIMPLE.
Also, no sex until after you’re married. (Abstinence-only education, 1981; Trump, present day) This will stop any and all unplanned pregnancies, the spread of STD’s, provocative/slutty behavior, rape, and any other bad thing that comes from having sex for any reason other than procreation. Who cares if you marry someone with whom you’re totally incompatible? AT LEAST YOU WAITED UNTIL YOU WERE LEGALLY BOUND TO THEM TO FIND OUT, amirite? Read More »
Last week, I caught myself asking the question, “How do you know when what you’re pursuing in life is the ‘right thing’ for you?” Like, when you decide you want something in life, whether it’s a new career, or a relationship, or you want some other significant shift in your existence to happen… because people will tell you that to get what you want in life, you have to work HARD for it. But then, you shouldn’t have to work TOO hard or else you’re forcing it and really it should probably just fall in your lap or come easy to you, right? And if you force it TOO much, then it’s probably not the right thing, and you may even be going against the universe’s plan (or G*d’s plan) for your life, which means it’s all going to turn out poorly anyway. Unless you just trust in the plan – even if you don’t know what it is – and know that it’ll all turn out THE WAY IT’S MEANT TO. *barf*Read More »
A lot of years ago, I went to the MN State Fair with one of my best friends. As we made our way in, we passed a restaurant/diner-type place where, when certain songs came on, all the staff had to stop what they were doing and sing/dance/act it out. I almost started bawling right then and there, but managed to keep it together (thankfully) and we went on our way.
This video made me cry the first 3 times I watched it. Every time after that (because I’ve watched it closer to 20 times since) my heart got full to bursting with… something. So I figure it might be time to dig into it a little, since my reaction to the video and to the diner dancers isn’t uncommon for me at all.
Best guess? Uninhibited, unmitigated, communal JOY. (I mean, JUST LOOK AT CARMELO, the solo dancer. ❤ )
One of the things that blows me away on the regular is when I let myself focus on the fact that people have actually chosen to believe the harmful, ugly, factually incorrect, or just plain crummy things they believe.
I mean… think about it. Everything you believe – especially the stuff that is more of an opinion than a fact – is something you have CHOSEN to believe. Right? Obviously, if you’re raised a certain way, surrounded by a certain belief system or whatever, then you didn’t choose to believe it growing up; it just… was. But at some point in adult life, I have to wonder if it occurs to people that what they’ve been taught – what they believe – is actually a crock of damaging shit. Read More »
Wherein I dump all the things I’ve been thinking about, with the potential of some of them warranting posts of their own:
- I’m reading Ijeoma Oluo’s new book, “So You Want to Talk About Race,” and I’m only a chapter in but it has me THINKING. A lot. I’m grateful for that, and there will likely be a lot more posts to come.
- I keep thinking about the quote (which I can’t seem to attribute to one particular source): “When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.” I think it’s the one thing that helps me keep from going all the way off on white people who can’t seem to grasp the concept of institutionalized racism and systems of oppression, and how nothing got fixed just because we had a black president. There’s a whole lot more to it than that, but I am just grateful to have this to hold on to.
I’ve been thinking a lot about when, how, and why things fail. It sounds a little grim, but it also feels really practical. If you want to know how or why things work, then it stands to reason you might want/need to know why that thing might break down or fail, too. Right? I mean, you may not always understand or get to know the why, or want to accept the why or how… especially if the failing impacts you directly in some way. And REALLY especially if you would have to admit that you (or someone you love and admire) contributed to the failing.
Seeing your part in things is hard when it’s a painful loss. Looking for someone or something else to blame seems like a better, easier path to follow, until maybe somewhere down the road you realize you’re a common denominator, or you are (or that person you’ve been idolizing is), in fact, fallible and complicit.
The falling apart of a thing – whether it’s a physical thing like a bridge, or a relationship, or an idea, or a state of being like sobriety – generally begins well before it actually happens. A slow erosion… a disintegration… a chipping away in the background.Read More »
“What are you willing to give up to get what you (say you) want?”
Some months ago, I saw a post that said something to this effect. I’m pretty sure it was my wonderful therapist who posted it, which damn well figures. She’s great at asking the tough questions, even unintentionally, even when they’re not directed at me, even if they don’t seem so tough at the outset.
This one planted a seed. I woke up this morning, the first day of a new year, first day of a new week, first day of the rest of my life, contemplating just what it is I (say I) want in life, and then what it is I currently say, think, do, or what it is I’m holding on to, that’s standing in the way of me getting it. Easy enough, right?Read More »