Have you ever just suddenly realized you were being manipulated? Or that a person was in the process of making an attempt? (insert *YOU TRIED* gold star here)
Have you ever taken the time to marvel over all the ways human beings attempt to manipulate others, to control the behavior of other people, just to get what they want? I mean, it’s really impressive, when you think about it. Of course, it’s also depressing and scary and makes me wish for the end of the species sometimes, but most of the time, it’s just astonishing. Especially when they don’t even realize they’re doing it. They might use tears, or anger, or threats, or guilt, or silence… and if you ask them, it’s all justified.
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I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of “emotional eating” and how, for me, I think that’s an actual thing. But more than that, it’s a subconscious emotionally and chemically-driven behavior, so it’s not like in the midst of a come-apart, I go to the kitchen and start shoving food in my face. Instead, I think my brain is on autopilot where food and comfort are concerned, and I’m trying to figure out how to interrupt that when it happens – because it happens a lot, in all kinds of circumstances.
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Wherein I dump all the things I’ve been thinking about, with the potential of some of them warranting posts of their own:
- I’m reading Ijeoma Oluo’s new book, “So You Want to Talk About Race,” and I’m only a chapter in but it has me THINKING. A lot. I’m grateful for that, and there will likely be a lot more posts to come.
- I keep thinking about the quote (which I can’t seem to attribute to one particular source): “When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.” I think it’s the one thing that helps me keep from going all the way off on white people who can’t seem to grasp the concept of institutionalized racism and systems of oppression, and how nothing got fixed just because we had a black president. There’s a whole lot more to it than that, but I am just grateful to have this to hold on to.
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I’ve been thinking a lot about when, how, and why things fail. It sounds a little grim, but it also feels really practical. If you want to know how or why things work, then it stands to reason you might want/need to know why that thing might break down or fail, too. Right? I mean, you may not always understand or get to know the why, or want to accept the why or how… especially if the failing impacts you directly in some way. And REALLY especially if you would have to admit that you (or someone you love and admire) contributed to the failing.
Seeing your part in things is hard when it’s a painful loss. Looking for someone or something else to blame seems like a better, easier path to follow, until maybe somewhere down the road you realize you’re a common denominator, or you are (or that person you’ve been idolizing is), in fact, fallible and complicit.
The falling apart of a thing – whether it’s a physical thing like a bridge, or a relationship, or an idea, or a state of being like sobriety – generally begins well before it actually happens. A slow erosion… a disintegration… a chipping away in the background.Read More »
“What are you willing to give up to get what you (say you) want?”
Some months ago, I saw a post that said something to this effect. I’m pretty sure it was my wonderful therapist who posted it, which damn well figures. She’s great at asking the tough questions, even unintentionally, even when they’re not directed at me, even if they don’t seem so tough at the outset.
This one planted a seed. I woke up this morning, the first day of a new year, first day of a new week, first day of the rest of my life, contemplating just what it is I (say I) want in life, and then what it is I currently say, think, do, or what it is I’m holding on to, that’s standing in the way of me getting it. Easy enough, right?Read More »
I don’t like to share.
It’s one of the more “interesting” revelations I’ve had lately, I suppose.
Over the years, I’ve written a lot about how, when I was younger, I had no sense of self so I tried to be what I thought other people wanted me to be. And how, because it was too confusing to be all things to all people, I limited myself to either a boyfriend, or a best friend, but rarely both, and certainly no more than that. Acquaintances aplenty, but only one special person at a time.
What I realize now is that’s only part of the story. Read More »
(with a nod to this great song by Highly Suspect)
November, 1998: It was a beautiful morning in Buena Vista Park, in the Upper Haight district of San Francisco. The sun was shining, the air clean and crisp… a perfect time and place for a father and his daughter to walk through the park, enjoying the great outside. As they ambled along the path, the young girl saw someone lying in the grass on (and under) some cardboard, appearing to be asleep. The girl, curious, asked why the person was sleeping there. The father responded, “Because they’re a loser and need to get a job. Either that or they just need more coffee. Maybe we should bring them some!” and started laughing. The girl laughed a little, too, and they continued to walk.
I was the person feigning sleep on that cardboard in the park, and I heard every word.Read More »
Do you ever have days (or weeks or months or years) where you feel completely at odds with your own body? Or your own brain? Maybe both at the same time which is always a joy and a pleasure?
I’ve been trying to figure out why it is that I can know – with every fiber of my being – that certain foods make me feel terrible… and yet, as soon as it crosses my mind that I want one of those foods, it’s like I’m powerless to resist and all that sense flies out the window. Cheez-Its, mac & cheese, cookies, pizza (this is the hardest one to admit and accept), popcorn, anything with sugar in it, anything made of bread… you get the idea. The ONLY time I feel good physically (and mentally) is when I eat lean proteins, fruits, vegetables, and the occasional dairy or brown rice. Everything else gives me heartburn, gas, indigestion, foggy brain, lethargy, body aches, weight gain & bloating… it sucks. A lot. If I eat too much sugar or too much salt, my heart pounds out of my chest and my brain goes on overdrive.
And yet, KNOWING this does little to prevent me from shoving any and all of it directly in my pie hole, when given the opportunity. Why is that?Read More »
Every year about this time, I reflect on where I was – WHO I was – in November of 1998. For those of you just tuning in: I was an IV drug user, addicted to heroin, cocaine, and anything else I could find… and for a brief time, I was homeless on the streets of San Francisco.
I’ve told the story of Thanksgiving, when I sat in the rain in Golden Gate Park, eating food prepared for the homeless by a Latinx family who spoke little to no English, who wanted simply to feed everyone they could. I’ve talked about knowing my sister, her (future) husband, and their/our friends were having dinner together just miles away in Oakland; knowing I was invited, and also knowing I was too full of shame to attend. Thankfully, it wasn’t much longer after Thanksgiving that I finally had enough, finally hit the low emotional point where I was ready to accept the consistent, gentle, and loving offers to help from my family… finally willing to admit I deserved to live, and that somewhere deep down, I still wanted to.Read More »
“Character is what you are in the dark.” – Dwight L. Moody
“The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.” – John Moody
“Character is what you do when no one’s looking. Or when you think nobody’s looking. Or, when you KNOW someone is looking but pretend like you don’t and you change your tone or behavior to gain favor. Oh, hell. Character is WHO YOU ARE ALL THE TIME. Except maybe in your sleep, but I’d imagine jerks are still jerks when they dream. Do jerks even have dreams? Aside from making other people miserable, that is? Anyway. Where was I again? Oh yeah… character.” – Me
I’ve been giving a whole lot of thought to this. Where is the line between “a person is not what they do” and “a person is absolutely the things they say and do?” I realize the latter appears to be the better answer, but think about a person who lies, either to get what they want or to get away with something. A kid who breaks a window, or steals something. Are they a liar, or a person who told a lie? Are they a thief, or a person who stole something? Do we brand someone for life, based on a thing they’ve done?Read More »